I've known who and what I am since February 7, 2012. It was the catalyst that brought me into the first understanding of the Knowing. In the ensuing years, I've not had the energy or inkling to explore what that was supposed to look like because, in part, when I spoke it's truth I was abandoned & shamed for daring to speak a truth of my own. I did think I knew what I wanted it to look like as I grew into it: the damn-near opposite of existing religions and spiritual teaching. The toll that conformity took on so many that I worked with, whose bodies and spirits had been diminished by the 'rules of the game' related to worship and ceremony, and the commodification of intransigent ways marketed as 'The Way!' was something I wanted no part in. Too many dead children shared that that was the catalyst for them ending their lives for me to put any stock in so-called 'benefits' of following those rules, especially those of community norms that required conformity for acceptance.
I have said many times over the last decade and a half, "I've been prayed into existence and poured into being," as an explanation for those who have wondered, "Who are you exactly?" I've sought umpteen ways to answer God's question: "How will you define yourself," because I needed something to anchor myself to and other's needed something concrete to believe in. I moved past my, "I'm just Ingrid," into an understanding that "the Ingrid beyond Ingrid" is a real, tangible breathing thing, a breathing being whose relationship with God, with Ancestors, those from the ground and air and water--The Water--have the capacity and were made to lead.
A few weeks ago, I finally reached out to a Sufi teacher to whom God directed me back in December's conversation with God. "Ummah is in the making, creating of your Self..." I'd avoided doing so because each time, every.single.time, when I've been directed to reach out to spiritual teachers or experts, I've been ignored. I had no desire to be refused again. Any positive idea of potential community was lost in the distaste of contorting myself to fit. However, his Ancestors are as persistent as an eternal and impatient God so I relented after a February dream made it clear I did not have a choice: "You must." So, I did and then I met with the same lack of response. However, where my own inspired wanderings around the encounter led me was to the definition of what and who I am in Islam.
Despite the twelve hundred definitions of what it is and is not within the breadth of faith that is Islam, it is the only thing for which I have found an anchor, something solid to tether me to a new reality; it's not quite the definition but has offered me language around my creation and re-creation of this embodied God-human form. With that phrase another awareness arose: that I've become the memory-keeper not merely to transfer the medicine to others but to access the stories about this through-line and express them through a multicultural, more easily accessible manner.
As these things new notions take root within me, offering direction for growth, I've come to explore the importance of naming. I'm particular to mine: Ingrid suits me in a way nothing else does yet even as I type this I recall the Universal negative response to 'I'm just Ingrid' and God's call to 'be Ingrid beyond Ingrid' and what those mean related to naming ourselves and being renamed by others.
Each of the indigenous ways that I'm connected to (and many, many others) have had as part of an individual's growth, naming ceremonies. Unlike Western traditions where names tend to be fixed from birth, many Indigenous traditions view names as living energies that evolve with a person’s journey. A new name marks growth, healing, and alignment with one’s true purpose. Familial and community recognition of personal and spiritual milestones are celebrated and acknowledged by the giving of new names; some publicly, some held secret.
Many cultures hold that a name is more than a label—it holds medicine and power. Many Indigenous traditions believe that knowing a person’s true name grants access to their spirit. In times of healing or crisis, a new name can be given to remove negative energies, break curses, or restore balance. Names not only 'hold the lineage,' in terms of family but new ones might be given to acknowledge a person’s spiritual inheritance, ensuring that the wisdom of the past continues through them much like DNA or soul continuity.
Although I can't give this a name that others will accept yet, I can give it voice and begin sharing the stories that weave the idea of it. And I don't know what that looks like except in discrete circumstances: when doing the individual healing work, while painting and in deep conversation with those who trust.
I do know I'm more solid in the Knowing, holding that truth as I push truth to power in other ways. I know that the timing of being poured in existence is as purposeful as it felt ungraceful. And I remember the words and the anointing of:“Become NOW! For in the light of the one we all become all that is.”
And so we become. One day at a time.
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